Giant Size Mallow Burger

Today I made an impulse purchase. marsh1

I was walking through Ollie’s Bargain Outlet (this store has nothing for me, and this store has everything) when I saw something on a shelf that made me laugh out loud. It was a box. A box of Giant Size Mallow Burgers, with a slogan that proclaimed: All American “Fun” Burger (don’t ask me why the quotation marks are around the word fun and not burger). The price tag said $1.89. At this point it would have taken about 2800 calories of willpower to resist this purchase (I think of willpower as an energy level, so it is fitting to use calories as a unit of measurement). Evidently I did not have an extra 2800 calories sitting around. I bought the Giant Size Mallow Burgers.

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The box opens into a convenient display case. Perfect for retail sales. Each burger has a diameter of approximately 8 cm (~3.1  in), and is about 5 cm (~2 in) thick. The burger weighs about 90 g (3.2 oz). Here are a few notes on the nutritional value:

 Calories: 312
Calories from fat: 0 (Wow! It’s a health food?!)
Cholesterol: o mg
Sodium: 71 mg
Total Carbs: 74 g (Oh, that’s not good)
Sugars: 54 g
Protein: 3 g
Calcium: 9.9% daily value in a 2000 calorie diet
Iron: 7% daily value in a 2000 calorie diet

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The display box and individual wrappers feature blue stars and red text that boast: “Fat Free” and “Cholesterol Free” and “Low Sodium.” The wrapper also contains this travesty of a phrase: “Great Tasting Marshmallow Burger.”

When I opened one of the burgers I noticed that it had a familiar scent. It took me a few minutes to pin down what it reminded me of. Grape flavored Bubble-Yum gum. I nibbled on the burger timidly. . .

If I were feeling parsimonious I would just say it tasted bad. For no matter how elaborate my description, nothing communicates the flavor better than bad. If you want more details, I’ll try to indulge you.

Take a large marshmallow and let it dry on your counter for three months. Submerge it in grape juice for ten seconds, then dry it off. Now eat it. Blech.

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I purchased these Mallow Burgers for comedic value, and they paid for themselves. I have no intention of eating any of them; I have eleven Giant Size Mallow Burgers that are up for grabs. If you want one let me know. I’m sure you won’t enjoy it.

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4 Comments

Filed under Food, Humor

4 responses to “Giant Size Mallow Burger

  1. Paul

    Hilarious. I’ve actually had those but in a smaller version, and they were more gummy than mallow. Props for the Caedmon’s reference.

    • thebenjamin

      I thought my “This World” Caedmon’s reference might be too vague to be picked up, evidently I underestimated you. That song is one of my favorites. . .

  2. Wow, that description definitely did not get me salivating. I think I’ll pass on those. :-)

    • thebenjamin

      I suppose my ad copy writing needs some work. I need to believe in the product a bit more. Maybe if it wasn’t so awful . . .

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